Why you need to let go of the idea of being nice
You’re the kind of person who is always looking out for others.
Even now, as a business owner, you find yourself looking out for everyone else’s needs.
You make things easier. You don’t step on toes. You don’t make a fuss. And people notice. They say things like, “She’s always so lovely,” or “Such a nice person to work with.”
But if you’re being really honest with yourself, you might be starting to feel the cracks. You’re tired. You feel stretched. You’ve taken on too much again, even though you promised yourself you wouldn’t.
The truth is, trying to be nice all the time is starting to take its toll.
Here’s why:
You can’t possibly please everyone.
Saying yes to too many things often leads to overwhelm.
And over time, you might begin to feel resentful towards others, but more often, towards yourself.
Unless you learn how to say no, even when it feels uncomfortable, even when it might disappoint someone, you run the risk of becoming completely exhausted. And worse, you start to lose sight of why you started this business in the first place.
This habit of wanting to keep everyone happy and avoid conflict can quietly stand in the way of the work you really want to do.
I’m not saying you need to become harsh or difficult. That’s not the point.
What I am saying is that it’s important to get clear on what you’re willing to say yes to, and what you’re not. Let your yes be a strong yes and your no, a strong no.
What goes hand in hand with this is the ability to make decisions. Being able to tap into your gut or intuition is critical for making decisions, but this ability is often numbed, especially for women.
As young girls, we are taught to dampen our own strong gut response and instead start looking out for the needs of others. Don’t get me wrong—developing the ability to be sensitive to the needs of others can be incredibly powerful, but it needs to be balanced by your ability to clearly discern what you want. In this way, you are able to make a choice based on what the situation requires, rather than being swayed by the opinion of others or, worse, conflicted.
When you start recognising that you have the choice of setting boundaries, a few things are likely to happen:
You become more in touch with your intuition.
You start saying yes to projects you actually want to do, which in turn feeds your creative energy.
You start communicating clearly, laying down clear boundaries.
People start trusting you, as they know where they stand with you.
This is not something that will happen overnight. In fact, when you’re used to saying yes to everything, this can be incredibly scary.
Here are a few tips:
Be easy with yourself. Even just starting to think about this is a step in the right direction.
Start practising saying no to a few close friends—people you feel safe with and that you trust. You can even tell them that you are practising saying no.
When you need to have a difficult conversation, practise what you plan to say with a friend. They can help you figure out the best tone of voice and language to use.
And if this is something you’re working through right now, I want you to know you’re not alone. I work with creative business owners who are navigating exactly this. You’re allowed to ask for support.
I’ll leave you with something Elizabeth Gilbert once said in an interview that’s stuck with me. She talked about how women often end their sentences with, “If that’s ok with everyone?”
What if you started to notice when you do that and gently stopped yourself? What if you just said what you need?
You don’t have to please everyone.
Maybe you could even begin to allow for the possibility that someone else might be disappointed, and that they’ll be okay. And so will you.
“I love that I have learned how to say no to people, and to understand that they will survive their disappointment, just as I can survive my disappointment when people say no to me.” — Elizabeth Gilbert
What might open up for you if you stopped trying to be nice, and started being honest instead?